The hard part is getting easier, merely to get hard again.
The same pattern repeats before his eyes, but they manifest through different struggles. Malleable still has a hard time sleeping and getting out of bed, but he’s proud that he’s doing something with his time after he manages to wake up. Going to the gym has helped him reconquer the feeling of not having purpose, but that feeling yells at him every morning after. He has fought against that lost purpose for about two weeks now, although objectively he hasn’t moved much he has moved plenty within himself. He doesn’t really count the temporary conquering of his drug-use a win (we all know drugs is something we are not supposed to do, congrats for overcoming it and being normal [whatever that means] like you were supposed to be buddy), but its been almost two months since he last inhaled the burning feeling depriving him of long-term life but gaining short-term pleasure. The hardest part has been not recognizing where the problem stems from. Lately, Malleable has been reading while exercising on the bike machine. ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ is a book that talks about trauma, a topic that he has tried to ignore for all his life and for good reason. He’s living in hell trying to be better, but he escaped death. The book defines PTSD by emphasizing not only on the prevalent experiences from war veterans, but also from growing up in an abusive household, and being sexually abused as a child. People with PTSD reside on having fight/flight/freeze reactions when they experience an encounter that trigger a traumatic experience. The author goes on to describe these reactions by sharing personal stories from his patients. Although the experiences shared in the book differed much from Malleable’s past he couldn’t help but think, “I have PTSD”. Not the best thought to have after being confused as to why he has been such a comfortable outcast for 24 years. It made him feel as if he has wasted so many years being scared of his own shadow. That made him feel unique in the best way possible, though. He has been put in situations that not many people get to experience and as a result he gets to die everyday to live. Yes, it gets tiring at times. Yes, he wishes he could ease his mind like others do. Yes, he wishes he could love like he sees other people love. Deep down inside he feels a sense of responsibility to himself and to those that he may inspire one day. He remembers when he was arrested and was put in a secluded room for probably 8–10 hours with nothing more than his thoughts and a toilet that was accompanied by a roach hiding underneath that kept him up throughout the night. There was a moment he lost his patience and felt as if he was going to pass out from the panic he felt. A feeling rushed over him that reminded Malleable of all the people he will help one day because of all these similar experiences he’s lived through and will live through. He thanked God at that moment. He has felt as if he has not had much his whole life, but God has always been there for him. Always. He may not see it, he may not smell it, he may not taste it but the symbols his mind creates that manifest themselves through epiphanies of assurance from the maker himself reminds him of his grace. Malleable has tried his best with all his unknown imperfections to be as honest as he can to God by admitting to his downfalls and forgiving those that have made him feel used. God only knows how his brain needs rest but truth be told, Malleable would never be anyone else. No matter how compulsively he may say otherwise at times. He’s taming the beast within through faith. Let it be known, he loves being unknown. This is my journey of getting to know him.