He grew up fantasizing about what love could be like without taking into account the variables of imperfection that reality holds. You know those variables right? Like it being a risky game of faith to be made whole or be destroyed. Why? Love entails understanding the suffering of oneself and those around you that you say, “I love you” to. Unfortunately, he never defined love properly, merely a definition he gave to himself, not others.

Recently, his self awareness towards his unconscious tendencies are becoming known. Meaning, his reflection has slowly revealed his shortcomings. The ones that damage others out of protection to himself. He’s been too weak to see through the mirror, but courageous enough to dance with it. Yet, death lurked behind the door of that bathroom he called his home. He never stopped to ask, does the world offer hope or is he merely blind to it? His tendencies of courage were a way to hide his true self of feeling deprived. He felt as if he didn’t have a choice but to act in desperation, otherwise death would follow. He had everything, yet had nothing due to his lack of love towards himself. Furthermore, he would conceptualize the world around him with emotion and reason, but mostly in a pessimistic view. He didn’t know any better. However, he has changed tremendously, but what changed?

He fell in love. He fell in love with someone that reflected his Being as a female. He tried saving her while losing himself. However, he couldn’t save her. He merely had to let go of someone he thought he knew so much of, but at the same time, perhaps, knew nothing about. Maybe, just maybe, this is what love is like. It’s a painful reality to realize no matter how hard you try to love someone, you can’t control their choices. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be real. We as humans are not good enough to fix others, merely offer help by allowing them to help themselves. That’s scary, though. Why? Because it requires to have faith in someone that could lie and break your heart, as it has happened many times in the past with others that have left a permanent scar in your life. That’s true courage, though. To feel the burden of the things out of your control that may destroy you, while keeping yourself intact with the things within your control.

How can you forgive others? That is a question that has circumvented my mind for many years. Recently, I think I have found an answer. Forgiveness lies not in what you could do to others, but what you could do for yourself. Have you forgiven yourself for your past? Or are your present days looping from events of your past? I don’t know how others do it, but I have learned to slowly forgive myself by slowly killing the parts of me that I haven’t been all proud of; counter-attacking my sins with genuine belief and faith in something greater than myself while taking action to do something about it. This depicts a symbolic representation of a sacrifice made through love being manifested by something greater than what you currently are. To let go of what you hold dearly. For example, Jesus sacrifice on the cross. He carried the sins of the world upon himself while controlling his reaction to it by offering perfect love instead. No person would live to his standards, but everyone can be forgiven because of it. However, only if you allow it to. How about your friendly neighborhood spider-man saving New York City, but never killing his enemies? He took hit after hit while saving those around him, those same people that would later condemn him. Human beings are complex though, but how so? For starters, we hold both good and evil within us. We are both the hero and the villain to our own narrative. We are not fighting against them, the world. We are ultimately fighting our biggest fears through them while remaining blind to our shadow. Furthermore, I believe there is a time in everyone’s life where one needs to make a decision. A decision that will result in a symbolic manifestation of life or death. Either you will grow resentful due to the imperfections this world has given you, or you will grow to learn to forgive yourself and others in order to keep moving forward because you’re also imperfect. Hate the sin, not the sinner. We are here to help each other for the better of tomorrow, but that starts by allowing yourself to be helped by you.

2021 has brought me much shame, pain, and resentment, but through all that it allowed me to discover a glimpse into the other side, which is love, forgiveness, and to control what is within my control. I am loved by me, which has allowed me to see how much I’m loved. The ‘Ocean Mire’ almost drowned me, but I live because of it.

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Malleable Despond

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